


ripple in time

by sarcasmaddiction



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25887277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasmaddiction/pseuds/sarcasmaddiction
Summary: dan revisits a night from his past
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 23
Kudos: 36





	ripple in time

**Author's Note:**

> umm so i've never written fic before but i'm impulse posting this because i'm sad. this is probably full of errors so sorry for that.
> 
> please be warned that there are mentions of suicide in this, no one dies, but its mentioned, so proceed with caution
> 
> i hope you like it??

Dan can feel the wind drying the tears running down his cheeks. The view from the top of the bridge is beautiful and yet full of pain, he can see a long stretch down the Thames, all the people busy living their lives completely unaware of him standing there leaning against the side of the bridge, just as they were the last time.

He doesn’t know exactly how long he has been stood there but he is beginning to feel the chill of the wind through his jacket and the pressure of the railing on his forearms is beginning to ache.

Phil is back at home. Probably waiting up for him to get back from his walk. It’s been a while since he took a walk like this, usually he brings his phone now just to reassure Phil, but this time he hasn’t. Doesn’t want the weight in his pocket as a reminder. He stares down into the murky water of the Thames, just looking, watching. It’s kind of mesmerising to watch the reflections of the city lights bounce off the water.

He’s been here before. A long time ago. At least it feels that way, he was almost a different person then and his memories of that night are shrouded in a darkness.

A car suddenly speeds behind him and he’s pulled out of his thoughts as he spins to watch as it crosses the bridge.

As Dan turns back to the water another tear rolls down his face. This is a dark place for him. He’s not quite sure what drew him back here tonight, away from Phil and their forever home, away from everything he’s built since the last time.

He changed the last time he was here. There is something about being so close to an endpoint that never quite leaves you. Maybe that’s why he’s back. He should probably head home to Phil soon; he doesn’t want to worry him and the shame he feels for ever having worried him is another thing that will never leave. But he accepts that now, he doesn’t let it hurt him, rather he uses it to make sure he doesn’t hurt Phil again.

Dan feels a drop of rain hit the back of his hand and suddenly the resemblance to his memories is too much

_He’s stood right in the middle of the bridge. Looking down at the water and the ripples of the rain hitting its surface. He’s going to jump_

_That’s why he came here. To end it all at last. To make it all stop._

_This always seemed like a good way to do it. All he has to do is jump._

_Dan takes a step towards the wall of the bridge and quickly checks to make sure there is no one else here. Seeing that he is alone he hops up onto the edge._

_He looks down again and sees the swirling water just past his feet. The toes of his shoes jutting out over the edge._

_This has been a long time coming._

_He’s going to do it on the count of ten. He can’t wimp out of this. It’s what’s best for everyone. Especially Phil._

_Phil._

_The image of Phil is suddenly all Dan can see. He imagines him sat under a blanket back at their flat waiting for Dan to come back like he always does after one of his walks. He remembers Phil’s face as they lay tangled in bed that morning, his grunted greeting followed by a good morning kiss. Dan had taken it all in. Aware in the back of his mind that this would be the last-_

_No. He can’t let himself go down that path. What he’s doing is for the best. He’s only holding Phil back. He’s a burden and it’s best for everyone if he just goes away now. He knows that it will be hard for them all at first, he’s not kidding himself that much. But in the long run he knows this will be better._

_Dan focuses back on the water again. Ten. Nine. Eight._

_His brain conjures images of Phil again. This time dressed all in black, standing in a graveyard, a lonely bunch of flowers hanging loosely from his hand. His face wet with tears-_

_Seven. Six._

_Phil again. But this time standing facing the bed they share -shared- an empty expression on his face. Eyes red and stained from tears. He’s still wearing black. and Dan realises that this Phil is wearing Dan’s clothes. Hands hidden in sweater paws as he inhales the scent of Dan and more tears chase the ones already fallen from his eyes-_

_Five. Four. Three._

_And that’s when it hits dan. Phil will never get over his death. This could break him. How could he do this to Phil? How could he even consider hurting him in this way?_

_That’s when the tears start pouring down his cheeks. He makes no effort to wipe them away. Knowing that more will follow._

_He takes one last look at the water gushing beneath his feet and turns around to step shakily back off the wall._

Dan comes back to the present then. He’s still stood staring at the water, unaware of how much time has passed. Knuckles white from gripping the wall so hard.

He hasn’t allowed himself to remember that night since it happened.

It always felt so raw, like if he allowed himself too it would bring him back into that dark place that he worked so hard to escape.

The sudden desire to get as far away from this bridge as possible overwhelms Dan. And he starts walking, getting faster and faster until he’s running through the streets of London.

He knows exactly where he needs to be now. And he needs to get there as quickly as possible.

Before he knows it, he is standing in-front of his own front door collecting his breath and everything he needs right now is inside.

As he walks through the walls of his new life that he built. a life he now loves and cherishes, he looks for his person.

He finds Phil curled up under a blanket in the living room, he looks up as he walks in.

Dan doesn’t know what to say. So he just stands there.  
How do you explain something like this?  
He knows that this is something they have to talk about at some point, he has to tell someone, but it doesn’t have to be now. For now, he simply walks over to Phil and Phil wraps him in his arms their sides pressed against each other. Phil seems to unknowingly understand that this is what he needs right now.

And so, Dan allows himself to be held, finally feeling safe again.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it? 
> 
> come say hi on tumblr if you want [@sarcasm-addiction](https://sarcasm-addiction.tumblr.com/)


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